There was a time when anger felt like the one part of me that everyone wanted me to get rid of. I was called fiery, hot-tempered and a fireball. Whenever I spoke up against something unfair, I was told I was too emotional, too intense and too much. At times, my reactions were even pathologized, as though my anger meant something was wrong with me. I remember hearing comments suggesting I belonged in a psychiatric ward simply because I refused to stay silent in the face of injustice or scholar to perform extrocism practice... Over time, I learned what many of us learn: some emotions are socially acceptable, while others are not. Sadness may receive sympathy. Anxiety may receive concern. Anger often receives rejection.. Eventually, I moved beyond the resentment, but somewhere deep inside, I knew my anger was not my enemy.
Before I Had the Words
At the time, I didn't understand nervous systems, trauma, psychology or emotional regulation. I didn't know that emotions carry information. I didn't know anger was part of our shared human experience. I didn't know that anger is energy or that sometimes it simply wants us to change something. Yet something inside me refused to let it go. My anger became my catalyst. It pushed me to question. It pushed me to challenge. It pushed me to seek truth, fairness...something I've always been deeply drawn to authenticity. While other emotions often asked me to retreat, anger frequently asked me to move.
What I Eventually Learned About Anger
As I grew older, I began to understand something that completely changed my relationship with myself. Anger is not a character flaw. Anger is energy. It often appears when something feels violated, unfair, unsafe or out of alignment. It arises when our boundaries are crossed, our needs are ignored, or our values are compromised. The problem is rarely the emotion itself. The problem is what happens when we suppress it, fear it, shame it or allow it to completely take over.
Every Emotion Deserves a Seat at the Table
Today, I no longer believe emotions need to be fixed. They need to be welcomed. I can now wear all of my emotions without feeling ashamed of them. Anger has a seat at my table. It belongs alongside sadness, joy, fear, disappointment, excitement and grief. I do not hide it. I do not shrink it. I do not pretend it isn't there. That doesn't mean anger should always lead... sometimes anger needs rest... sometimes it needs space before speaking... sometimes it needs compassion because underneath it there may be hurt, exhaustion, fear or disappointment. For me, beneath my anger was a great deal of sadness and softness, something I discovered through deep inner work with my coach. Anger can damage relationships when it's sitting behind the driver's seat, but it can also damage us when it's locked away in the trunk.
The Driver's Seat
Self-awareness isn't about eliminating emotions. It's about recognizing which emotions are present, listening to what they're trying to tell us and consciously deciding how we want to respond. I often think of emotions like passengers in a car. They can all come along for the ride. They simply don't all belong in the driver's seat.
A Lesson I Learned Long Before Becoming a Coach
Long before I became a coach, I was often the caregiver for my brother, who was also a fiery person. When he became angry, I rarely tried to silence him. I would simply sit with him, listen and allow him to experience whatever he was feeling. One day, though, I reached my own limit. I finally said, "Enough." He looked disappointed and replied, "Why you? You always listen." That moment stayed with me for years. Even then, I think I understood something important. People don't always want their emotions to disappear. Often, they simply want someone to witness them without judgment. That experience taught me that emotions need space. Not endless space. Not unquestioned authority. But space.
What I See in My Clients
Today, this understanding shapes the work I do with my clients. Many people arrive believing that anger makes them bad. They fear their frustration, resentment, jealousy, irritation or rage. They try to become calmer, more positive, more spiritual and more grateful. But beneath the surface, anger is often still waiting. Sometimes it shows up as people-pleasing, overworking, anxiety, resentment or exhaustion. Together, we become curious instead of ashamed. We ask: What is the anger protecting? What boundary has been crossed? What truth hasn't been spoken? What need has remained unmet?
What Anger May Really Be Saying
Anger isn't always asking us to fight. Sometimes it's asking us to change. Sometimes it's asking us to leave. Sometimes it's asking us to speak. Sometimes it's asking us to rest. And sometimes it's simply asking us to finally listen.
Befriending My Anger
Befriending my anger didn't make me less compassionate. It made me more whole. It didn't make me harder. It made me more honest. It taught me that emotions are not problems to solve. They are experiences to understand.
Closing Reflection
Perhaps this is what self-development truly means. Not becoming someone else. Not becoming endlessly positive. Not eliminating the uncomfortable parts of ourselves. But learning to sit beside every part of who we are and gently saying:
"You belong here too."
Sumaya Alay
Conscious Living Facilitator