There is something strange about doing the work on yourself..
The better it gets, the better it gets. I believe that.
But I’ve also learned that the deeper you go, the more there is to discover.
Not necessarily because there is more wrong with you….sometimes it is because you finally have enough space to see what was always there.
And recently, I saw something in myself that I hadn’t fully understood before… and a place I have never visited..
I realized how much guilt and shame can interfere with our ability to receive.
To receive love…
To receive money...
To receive opportunities…
To receive support…
To receive recognition…
To receive a beautiful life without immediately wondering what it is going to cost us…
For a long time, somewhere underneath everything, there was this invisible equation:
If I have done something wrong, perhaps I am not allowed to receive something good.
And I can see now how flawed that equation is.
What I have done in my past and what I am capable of receiving today are not transactions with each other.
Life does not operate like a courtroom where every mistake permanently reduces what you are allowed to have.
And this is where I think we need to separate guilt from shame.
Guilt can actually be useful. It says:
I did something that doesn’t sit well with me.
Maybe I hurt someone. Maybe I betrayed one of my own values. Maybe I behaved in a way I am no longer proud of.
Guilt can invite responsibility.
Can I acknowledge it?
Can I repair something?
Can I apologize?
Can I behave differently next time?
In that sense, guilt can move us.
Shame does something very different.
Shame takes “I did something wrong” and quietly turns it into “there is something wrong with me.”
And once it becomes about identity, there is nothing left to repair…
Because how do you repair who you are?
So you punish…
Sometimes consciously
but often in very sophisticated ways.
You undercharge.
You make yourself smaller.
You reject opportunities before they can reject you.
You struggle to accept help.
You give much more easily than you receive.
You sabotage something when it starts becoming too good.
You feel uncomfortable when somebody genuinely loves you.
You achieve something and immediately minimize it.
You may even call some of this humility.
But underneath it there can be a much more painful belief:
Who am I to have this?
And then, of course, fear enters the room.
Fear rarely leaves simply because we understand it intellectually.
It needs to be addressed.
Because sometimes what looks like fear of failure is actually fear of receiving.
What happens if life becomes bigger than the version of me I have known?
What happens if I become successful?
What happens if I am deeply loved?
What happens if I no longer have to struggle?
What happens if things actually work?
Receiving can be surprisingly confronting when struggle has been part of your identity.
There can be familiarity in deprivation.
There can even be safety in disappointment because at least you know how to survive it.
Receiving asks something different of us.
It asks us to remain open when something good arrives.
To not immediately create a reason why we cannot have it.
To not pay for joy with guilt.
To not turn every blessing into a debt.
And this has been one of my own deeper realizations:
My past does not need to disappear for me to receive my future.
There are things I have done that I would do differently today.
There are versions of myself I understand differently now.
There are decisions I can take responsibility for without turning them into evidence against my worth.
I can repair what is mine to repair without sentencing myself to a smaller life.
That distinction feels important.
Maybe maturity is being able to hold both:
Yes, I did that.
Yes, I take responsibility for it.
And yes, I am still allowed to receive.
I don’t believe the universe is sitting somewhere keeping score, waiting to decide whether I have suffered enough to deserve something beautiful.
And perhaps receiving was never about deserving in the first place.
Maybe it is about capacity.
Can I stay present with goodness without pushing it away?
Can I allow love without searching for the catch?
Can I receive money without immediately feeling guilty for having more?
Can I be seen without shrinking?
Can I let something beautiful happen without believing I need to compensate for it with pain?
These are different questions.
And I am still exploring them.
Because doing the work has not made me a finished person.
If anything, it has made me more willing to meet what I find.
The better it gets, the better it gets.
And sometimes, as it gets better, another layer becomes visible.
Not because we are going backwards.
But because perhaps we finally have the capacity to see it.
And lately, one of the things I am learning to see is this:
I do not have to punish myself in order to prove that I have learned.
I do not have to suffer in order to demonstrate remorse.
And I do not have to become perfect before I allow myself to receive.
I can take responsibility.
I can make amends where they are needed.
I can continue becoming someone I respect.
And I can still open my hands when life gives something back.
Sumaya Alay
Conscious Living Facilitator